Baileys with mint
by Rolephant
Summary: Vince goes missing, so does Howard. It's up to Naboo to get them back before time runs out. Stars not one but two boosh Villains!
1. Chapter 1

**Baileys with mint**

Chapter one - Topshop

This is my first fan fiction in a good few years and my first ever attempt at a Boosh fic so please be kind! Wanted- beta for future chapters pm me!

I do not own any of the characters they belong to Messrs Barratt and Fielding Esq

It was a typical Wednesday mid-morning, Naboo was off with his familiar Bollo to a shamans council meeting, after making a fresh pot of tea Howard was happily scatting away to one of his jazz records and Vince Noir - Rock 'n' Roll star finally turned up for work rushing in the doorbell clanging in his wake, fretting over his hair due to the sudden downpour outside.

As habit dictated Howard reached for a spiral bound notebook an pen from under the counter.

"_Afternoon_ Vince, what's today's excuse?" He asked notebook in hand in the style of a reporter getting the days big scoop.

"I got stopped by this old lady who wanted to knit my portrait. Check it out!" He said lifting up the knitted art work with one hand whilst plugging in a hair dryer with the other.

After an hours preening with hair-dryers, straighteners, root boost and Naboos miracle wax, Vince was on his own on the shop floor watching cartoons on the shops portable telly while Howard was upstairs having his lunch.

During the commercial break after scooby doo was on there was an offer he simply couldn't refuse: A new stock 70 discount sale at his beloved Topshop.

"Remember" said the voice-over guy, "It's for one day only!"

He grabbed a pen and paper and hastily scrawled Howard a note saying ' Howard! I've gone off to Camden! Matter of life or death! Sale of all sales at Topshop! I'll be back later. Vince'

Like a silver blur, he was gone. Running through the streets of Camden in his ridiculously heeled silver boots towards the aforementioned clothes store. Blissfully unaware that there were more than just a few bargains in-store for the electro boy.

Laden with bags an with a spring in his step Vince left the store. As he turned the corner a figure stood in his way. A green skinned man of a similar build in Dickensian attire and what seemed to be a polo monocle.

"Evenin' Squire. You going somewhere boy?"

From the corner of his eye he could see something whizzing towards him. With no time to react everything suddenly went dark and Vince fell to the floor.

A short opening chapter I know, Howard fans he'll be in it a lot more in the next chapter. Please read and review and I may post the next chapter in the next 24hrs who knows eh?


	2. Chapter 2 Jazzercise

**Chapter 2 - Jazzercise**

Special thanks go to Mommy's-Little-Nightmare and also to SparkieSteph and chugirl2526 both whom have kept me entertained over the festive season with their boosh fics feels cool to have them read mine now :)

Howard meandered down the stairs to the front of the shop where to his annoyance the shop floor was empty, in his childlike way the electro poof had gone wandering off again. He went back to the till to make sure nothing had been taken and sure enough all the euros were there and he saw the note. Sighing to himself he sat back down behind the counter and switched the channel from Vinces favourite Boomerang to his own - BBC4.

It was fairly uneventful with a few customers he scared off with his Jazz pencil cases as 5 pm rolled on Naboo returned with Bollo in tow.

"How was the meeting Naboo?"

"Same old.. Another party this weekend, it's Kirks birthday"

"Mind shutting up shop? I'm late for my Jazzercise class" he asked grabbing a kit bag and shooting out of the shop before Naboo could reply.

Howard got to the community centre where Lester Corncrake and various others were already in gym gear reminiscing over old jazz records.

Five minutes later the class had begun. "Saxophone! To the left!, now swing to the right!..and again!" He called out just as Lester swung round and crashed into him.

"sorry about that Howard" he said chuckling as he helped the man of action back to his feet.

Wincing as his eyes adjusted to the light his head throbbing Vince got up and recognised it instantly. He was in a white room with no way out that he could make out. To his left was another room containing a Nazi turtle and across from him was a large brown horse covered in unpaid parking tickets.

One of the piper twins walked in. "oi boss the lady boy's awake!"

The green man walked in. "alright boy? I trust you remember the ol' gaff, I ain't done much to it since you last visited"

Vince just glared, head getting worse the more awake he became.

"I don't think our guest is a very happy bunny" laughed the polo oddity.

"Why do ya want me here?" asked Vince "What are you planning?"

The Hitcher grinned. "all in good time boy" he took off his top hat and rummaged in it and pulled out a piece of parchment, a bottle of ink and a quill.

Whilst this was happening the Jazzercise class had ended. Howard had just left the showers and was returning to the changing room to find a cubical hearing a door close but thinking nothing of it.

When he was just about ready, someone knocked on the door of the cubical. He opened it to find a certain fishy bastard at the door blocking it open with his foot.

"Hello Howard. We've still got our wedding to sort out. Not funny how ya ran away like that. But old Greg forgives you. So long as you have some Baileys with me." He smiled in his odd manner.

Howard was frozen with dread. This was the last person he wanted to see.

"I'm old Greg and I have a mangina!" He lifted up his tutu and he and Howard T.J. Moon were gone.

Sorry it took so long, uni course work is evil! Still looking for a beta if anyone's interested pm me.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed of favourited me, you rock!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three – The note**

I apologise for it being so long, but I'm back and the whole stories planned out.

Naboo and Bollo were back at the flat, completely stoned watching Peacock dreams . Naboo glanced at the clock. It was gone midnight and the other two hadn't returned home. Top shop wasn't still open was it? Maybe he's gone off to a bar for a few flirtinis. As for Howard his jazzercise class had finished hours ago and should have been back. Just then the doorbell rand followed by a dull thud.

"Bollo get that will you?" asked the small shaman. Bollo rolled off the sofa and got to his feet. He opened the door to see an envelope stuck to it with a knife. He yanked the envelope free and gave it to Naboo who read it out. "_Hey you slags! I have your lady boy friend with me, you want him back, I want the rest of your little group to meet at the back of the ravens head pub at midnight tomorrow. If you three aren't there on time I'll cut him up a treat" _

"We'd better find Howard" He says the three of us. Wonder why he wants all of us there?"

"I dunno, but I gotta bad feeling about this" replied his familiar.

Naboo grabbed his flying carpet. "where are we going?" asked Bollo as he got on.

"Off to Lester Corncrake's house, he must know where Howard is" hey flew off into the night in search of the man of action.

Meanwhile the piper twins had returned from their note delivering errand. Vince looked up as the Hitcher congratulated his henchmen for a job well done.

"D'ya mind telling me why I'm here yet?" ha asked.

"Like I said squire, all in good time, I've seen scooby doo I ain't gonna tell you all my plans only to be thwarted at the last minute by you pesky kids and your meddling ape" he grinned " you just sit tight mate"

Back in Shoreditch.

"Right according to my carpets GPS this is Lester Corncrake's house" shouted Naboo over the wind. He set the carpet down and rang the door bell. A minute or two later Lester got to the door. "Who's there?" he asked as he opened the door.

"Naboo that's who and Bollo, we're looking for Howard have you seen him?" asked the shaman.

"Well to be honest I've never seen him, me being blind and all. But he went into the changing rooms and didn't come back out again, we did wait a while"

Naboo turned to Bollo. "We should check at the community centre"

Earlier that evening....

" Er Gregg well now..erm.. there's a perfect reason for why I left..." Howard stuttered in shock.

"You ran away from me, you stole the funk, dontcha love me?" asked Gregg the fishy bastard leaning so close to Howard he could smell the baileys on his breath. Howard could remember Greggs threat about Curly Jefferson.

"Erm Gregg well I was ... getting in shape for the uh wedding" he said laughing nervously. He glanced back into the cubicle to find something to knock out Gregg. Unfortunately all there was at arms length was his gym kit, he turned round to see Gregg pull up his tutu, there was a flash of light and Howard T.J. Moon blacked out.

Vince Noir was now getting rather bored stuck in an otherwise empty cell. Seeing the piper twins leave for some malt loaf, he snuck up to the door and started working the lock with a hair pin, after 10 minutes work the lock clicked open. With a triumphant grin Vince pushed the door open . However his victory was short-lived when a foot blocked the door from moving any further. He looked up to see the Hitcher. "You going some where squire? Ere lads he nearly got out, keep a better watch on him will ya?" he called out.

"Right boss, I'm a cockney, I'm a cockney..." Jacky Piper trailed off as the Hitcher took of down the hallway. Peering down the hall to check the boss had gone. He turned to his twin and said " Sod that for a game of soldiers" He pulled Jim off his chair and grabbed some rope from a corner. "Help me bruv!" After a couple of minutes Vince was tied to the chair.

"That'll save us some hassle, lets get some tea shall we? See you later boy" Laughed Jacky as they walked off. Vince scowled and tried to get loose to no avail.

Meanwhile, Howard woke up and recognised where he was immediately the dank cave that Gregg called home. "You're awake now Howard? You want some baileys?"

Getting up Howard looked for a way out. " Er no thanks Gregg, What exactly am I doing here?"

" I already told ya, we're engaged remember? I picked out my dress now and it's time for us to wed!"

That's it let me know what you think and again sorry for the big break between chapters.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – Wedding

**AN: This is dedicated to anyone coming back to read this fic. I'm sorry for such a long wait. It won't happen again. This is mainly Howards chapter, sorry Vince fans, more of him next chapter!**

Naboo and Bollo made their way to the community centre . "Damn it's closed"

Bollo looked round the building. "Hey Naboo! There's a small window unlocked maybe you get in and then let Bollo in too" He said pointing to the window in question. He gave Naboo a leg up and the shaman scrambled through it.

Soon after a side door clicked open and Naboo beckoned his familiar inside.

They got to the changing rooms and searched all the cubicles. Suddenly Naboo found Howards.

" Bollo, something must have happened, he's left his stuff here" He bundled Howards kit in the bag and a card fell to the floor with the words _I'm Old Gregg _written on it.

"Oh no not that fishy bastard again." Naboo sighed, He threw the kit bag in a locker and went back to the carpet. He'd need the submarine again.

He got back to the flat and Bollo got the submarine and Naboo grabbed some supplies they might find useful.

Within 15 minutes they were in the sub on their way. Much to Bollo's disappointment Naboo had removed the pac-man game so as to have less distractions for the ape

Howard was backing up as Gregg advanced upon him. As he wasn't looking where he was going he stumbled backwards on a rock protruding from the cavern floor and fell to the ground. Gregg pounced on top of him. "You're gonna be all mine Howard" He said as his scaly hand traced Howards jawline. "Gregg moon, that has a sorta ring to it dontcha think? I'll go get you a Baileys"

Howard got up. "How are you going to get out of this one?" He asked himself. " It's not like last time no-one knows where you are"

He looked up as Gregg pranced back in the room with two glasses and a bottle of Baileys. He poured one and passed it to Howard. "Oh I brought you this, you left it last time you were here"

He held out the engagement ring he had got for Howard. Grudgingly the man of action took it. Instead of putting it on he slipped it in his pocket while Gregg poured his own Baileys.

Glancing at his watch he noticed it was 3am. Was Gregg nocturnal? When would he get a chance to escape? Coming out of his thoughts he noticed Gregg was talking again.

"There's lots to do before the wedding later tonight"

"To-tonight??" Spluttered Howard. " Don't you think that's rushing it a bit?"

"No I've waited long enough already, i'm'na go put my dress on. I got ya a suit over there" he pointed over to a tuxedo hung up on the other side of the cave with a watercolour portrait of Howards head on top. Gregg disappeared off in the opposite direction.

'This is it!' Howard thought desperately. 'I have to escape now! There has to be a way out' He went over to the pool of water where Naboo's Submarine had surfaced last time. He wondered whether he could swim out, if he could hold his breath long enough to reach the surface.

He knew Gregg would soon be ready. He had to decide what was a worse fate: drowning or marrying Gregg.

Vince however had fallen asleep or at least that's what the Hitcher and his henchmen thought as they begun to discuss the plans. "Right so from about noon onward we should have someone stationed at the ravens head in case they come early to get geezer bird 'ere. Jim you go from noon to 4, Jackie, you from 4-8 and I'll be waiting at the arranged time." He delegated grinning evilly, the twins nodding in agreement.

"What 'appens if they're late boss?" asked Jim Piper.

"True to me word I'll cut 'im up, I'll cut them up too, that'll teach them! Besides that's gonna be their fate if they turn up on time or not" He started cackling, the twins joined in half forced sort of manner.

Vince was still pretending to sleep. He couldn't really due to how uncomfortable he was, his hands had gone numb, wrists red raw from trying to free himself. He now knew that he was bringing his friends to their deaths. 'If only I could let them know' he thought and suddenly noticed how unselfish this first thought was. His mobile phone had been taken from him when he first got to the Hitchers gaol. There were no helpful characters around to give him a musical instrument to use to call for help. No way of calling his many time saviour Naboo. This time Vince Noir was truly alone , he felt it was hopeless, he didn't even have Howard to tell him things were going to be ok.

Naboo checked the radar, he would be at Greggs cave in about 30 minutes, he hoped that would be soon enough.

Deciding that there has to be another way out, Howard grudgingly put on the tux which was a surprisingly good fit. At least it wouldn't be a legal wedding, what with there being no Vicar or anything.

Gregg came back in the room and beckoned him to follow. He did so but trudged as slowly as he could get away with. He was taken through a passage way he hadn't seen before. At the end of the hallway there was a wooden door which looked like it had been made out of an old row boat. One of the planks made up the door had the words _The Jolly Plankton _painted on it. Gregg pushed the door open and Howard was shocked by what he saw. Gregg had created what looked like his own church interior. Rows of seats had been made out of old Baileys bottles, so had the altar at the front. Gregg had painted people has guests and also been busy painting stain glass windows. Still as impressive as this was Howard still took comfort in the fact that the wedding wouldn't be legitimate.

He saw Gregg move behind the altar and opened another door. This one blended in with the wall so you couldn't tell it was there. Gregg dragged something out. To Howards horror it turned out to be a trussed up vicar.

"I'll let you go after you wed us" the merman whispered audibly, untying the vicar who nodded feebly in agreement.

"Now I'm screwed" said Howard as the vicar straightened up and Gregg pressed play on the tape machine and the wedding march played. Howard was being dragged up the aisle looking aghast.

The vicar shakenly recited the wedding vows. Gregg repeated them looking like all his Christmases had come at once. Howard uttered his in monotone.

"If anyone is a against this wedding , let then say now or forever hold their piece"

Howard swung round desperately hoping like in the movies someone would burst in yelling "STOP!"

Alas no-one did.

"Do you Gregg, take Howard Tommy Jerry Moon to be your lawful wedded husband?" Asked the vicar.

"Yes sir, I do sir" replied the fishy bastard.

"And do you Howard Moon, take Gregg to be your lawful wedded er... wife?"

**Yes what a cliff hanger! Will Howard say yes? Will Naboo get there in time? Will the Hitcher get to 'cut up' the Boosh boys? Find out next time in 'Chapter 5 - Countdown' coming soon to a pc screen near you! Please read and review! Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Countdown

**A/N: Ok folks sorry for the wait it's been a very busy time for me. I wrote this chapter at work but I've been told off so for the moment no more writing this at work..too bad I got a lot done and spent last night being bored thinking ' I could do with a trip to the boosh world right now'. Hope you enjoy and well I lost my job so more time for writing. I really really apologise for delays**

Howard tugged at his collar and stuttered "I..er well erm that's to say I.."

Before he finished his babbling there was a smash at the far end of the room. He turned round to see Bollo surrounded by shards of wood. Naboo strolled in afterwards.

The merman looked horrified. "No! You stole my Howard away from me last time! I won't let it happen again!" He pulled a bottle out of the alter piece, smashed it and held the smashed bottle to Howards throat. "Finish the vows. If I can't have you no-one can" Gregg yelled hysterically

Vince felt sick to his stomach , guilt ridden. He'd never felt like this before. He was the sunshine kid , bad things never happened to him that was Howards job. His thoughts turned to his friends. He always seemed to take them for granted but these were the only good friends Vince had ever had. Naboo always there to help out if things went wrong, always forgave him and Howard for going through his things. Bollo always there with wise words and monkey strength and then there was Howard. Sure he was as cool as a year old cucumber left out in the sun but he was always there. To tell him he was ok, to crimp with and to call him a futuristic prostitute. All the times Vince had left Howard for cooler people, he always forgave him. Now Vince totally appreciated them it made their impending doom even worse.

He was brought out of his thoughts by voices in the hallway. "Right Jim, head up to the meeting place" said the Hitcher. Jim picked up a flask of tea and a news paper and went on watch.

The hitcher turned to Vince. "Only 12 hours to go lad" he said with a malicious grin tapping his watch.

"Go on! Finish the vows!" yelled Gregg hysterically. Bollo made to charge forward at the hermaphrodite merman but Naboo stopped him. Gregg might do something stupid to Howard if he saw an ape charging towards him.

Howard however, having a glass bottle aimed at his throat was too petrified to answer. Gregg had a crazed look in his eye. Back to the alter switching his gaze from Howard to Naboo and Bollo. Suddenly there was a loud smash and Gregg slumped to the floor and grazed Howards hand with the bottle on the way down. Howard looked round to see the Vicar holding another broken baileys bottle in his hand. Howard smiled gratefully and walked over to the other two.

"Thanks" he said, then suddenly looked puzzled. "Where's Vince?"

"Vince was taken by the Hitcher" Howard gave a look as if to say 'can this night get any worse?' He looked over at Gregg on the floor and the Vicar. "What are we going to do about them?" he asked.

Naboo cast a glance and said "We'll take the vicar home and leave Gregg here"

Five minutes later Naboo, Bollo, Howard and the Vicar were in the submarine. Vicar completely bemused by everything that had happened and hoped that it had all been a bad dream. He had told the small man in the turban and curly toed trainers which parish he was at.

Howard watched the trip back and discovered if he had chose to swim he would definitely have drowned.

Once back on dry land Naboo unfurled the carpet and too the vicar back to his parish and went back to pick up the others and headed off home.

At the house, Howard was told the full story on how they tracked him down and what had happened to Vince. Naboo and Bollo got even more supplies together and Howard decided to see if he could get hold of Vince on his mobile phone.

Vince Heard a song in the distance start up. His ring tone – cars by Gary Numan. The Hitcher picked it up, walked over to the room where Vince was held and answered it on speaker phone.

"Vince?" called a Northern voice on the other end of the phone.

"I'm afraid he's a little tied up at the moment squire. What can I do for ya?" Vince had heard Howards voice and yelled "HOWARD! DON'T COME, IT'S A TRAP! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU ALL!" the Hitcher scowled at Vince and indicated to the piper twins to shut him up.

"Don't worry about that, the boy took a knock to the head. Doesn't know what he's saying"

After a short pause Vince was just concious long enough to hear Howard say "Don't worry Vince we're coming!" before he was knocked out by one of the twins.

The hitcher chuckled and replied "Don't be so sure of that me old china" and hung up. He turned the phone off and threw it on a nearby table.

"What now boss?, 'e knows what's about to 'appen" asked Jackie Piper still holding the piece of wood he'd used to knock out the electro poof.

"You 'eard the geezer, they're still comin'. They'll be cautious but they'll still be here. Every things still on track."

Howard hit the end call button on the phone as Naboo came back into the room. "Did you get through to Vince?" he asked as he packed a couple of books into his Mary Poppins style bag.

"Sort of... the Hitcher answered but Vince yelled out in the background that it was a trap and that he was going to kill us so not to come get him. I heard a crash in the background and that was about it"

"Well we could have guessed that that was what the Hitcher had planned. Not like Vince to tell us not to come and get him though" Howard had noticed it too, very un-Vince like. "We'll have to come up with a plan" Naboo continued "Now we know where the hitcher will be, when he wants us and why"

"So we go there early and take him by surprise?" Suggested Howard.

"He'll probably have someone on watch. What we may need is a distraction"

After a few minutes thought Howard came up with the answer. He went down to the shop and rifled through the papers, Vince's drawings and other random items under the counter and found a certain business card. He dialled the number on the back.

"Heeeelloooooooooooooooooo" came the voice from the other end.

"Hi this is Howard Moon. I have a favour to ask you"

"No need to say any more I understand"

Howard hardly believed she knew the full story but just asked "When can you come round?"

"Well I need to look my best so in an hour and a half I can be there"

Knowing that to distract the guards she would need to look her best he reluctantly agreed. " Right.. ok I guess. Meet me at the Nabootique when you are ready" he said putting the phone down congratulating himself for his stroke of genius and bounded up the stairs. "Well Naboo the distraction's sorted" The small shaman looked up from his spell book .

"How?"

"Eleanor's coming!"

**So let me know what you think. Please read and review. Thanks. I promise with 3 reviews the next Chapter will be up in a week!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Ok folks this is it. The penultimate chapter of Baileys with mint. That's right this will be the last cliffhanger but I've saved the best one till last. I wrote most of this at 4am watching gladiator re-runs on challenge cos I couldn't sleep cos of waiting for Harry Potter so you can thank that for this chapter being up. I'd also like to say that this story is based before the boys meet the Hitcher in the Eels episode and I've used Donnas mum from two pints as inspiration for Eleanors character. Also if this chapter leaves disturbing images of her in your head then your stuck with it just like I am now after writing it. Enjoy! **

Chapter 6 – Revenge

Vince woke up almost blinded by pain, his head throbbing like someone was jumping up and down on it. Vision still blurry he saw some figures walk past.

"Roight that's my shift ova" said Jim handing over the newspaper and flask.

"No sign yet then Jim?" asked the other twin.

"Nah I reckon they got scared off by what 'e said" Jim replied jerking a thumb in Vince's direction.

"You heard what the boss said. They'll come friendship and all that self sacrificing nonsense." Jackie replied cackling as he left.

Vince scowled wanting to hit Jackie where it hurt if he wasn't bound to the chair. He'd heard Howard say that they were coming. He wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not though.

Back at the Nabootique there was a knock on the door and Howard hurriedly opened it to see Eleanor.

"Hellooo again Howarrrrd" she greeted him rolling the r in Howard attempting to sound sexy. Shifting uncomfortably Howard forced a smile. "Hi Eleanor, now about this favour..."

Eleanor had walked up to him and put her finger over his lips. "Hush, I told you I understand, a man has urges after all and.."

"ahem" Naboo interjected to save Howard. Eleanor's face lit up.

"Who's your friend?" She asked faux coyly " Now why I know you are so arkward with me Howard. Threesome what you want then?"

Howard going red said "no no, look we need you to use your...erm... womanly charms to distract some men for us while we rescue our friend"

Eleanor slightly taken aback asked "How many?"

" At least 3" Naboo interjected.

Her eyes lit up " Foursome even better and if they are holding your friend hostage then they must be into all that s&m and bondage stuff" she ended drifting off into her own dirty thoughts.

Howard shuddered at the thought of her in leather with a whip in hand so quickly changed the subject and turned to Naboo. " Let's go get Vince" Naboo agreed vehemently with a look on his face last seen when Howard stripped off his tweed utility suit to the swimming trunks.

And with that and all the kit packed Bollo, Naboo, Howard and Eleanor sped off into the dusky sky.

The Hitcher was sat at the table eating jellied eels and drumming his fingers impatiently. "They're taking their time ain't they? Fort they said they were coming" He said irritably in Vince's direction. Vince ignored him and stared ahead not focusing on anything in particular.

Naboo landed the carpet at the front of the Ravens head pub and the crept round the side of the public house and peered round the corner to find a short green man in a bowler hat reading the racing pages of a newspaper.

"There you go Eleanor" Howard whispered " There's you victim ..erm I mean man."

Eleanor fixed her hair and sauntered around the corner.

"Heellllloooooooo" she greeted him slowly leaning over the newspaper seductively. "Momma needs love squeezins!" she yelled suddenly pounced, throwing herself at him.

Jackie shocked and flustered didn't stand a chance. He was engulfed by the woman that was Eleanor. His cries for help muffled by her ample bosom. The guys raced past the helpless green man who was left to a fate worse than death. They found the box very quickly and jumped in.

They landed in a heap on the floor.

The Hitcher getting up from the table after hearing the commotion clapped his hand in victory. "Glad you could make it Gentlemen" he grinned as the boys untangle themselves.

Naboo glared at the green man. " look what do you want with us?" he demanded.

"Yeah and where's Vince?" piped up Howard

"Over here 'oward" Vince croaked.

The hitcher decided he'd be tour guide and showed them Vince's cell. Vince mustered a brave smile as his friends saw him. Howard was a bit shocked at the amount of injuries Vince had sustained as well as the fact they'd tied him up when he was in this state. He looked to weak to cause any problems.

He hadn't had any food or drink since he'd been there. It looked as though he'd been smashed at least twice round the head. Blood tricked from two cuts. One from his temple that had swollen and bruised from the blow he sustained from the hit during the phone call. He had also bust his lip. The Hitcher went and fished a key from an inside pocket of his coat and unlocked the door.

Putting the key back he brandished an knife and started to pace round Vince who tried to crane round to see what the man was doing.

"You see lads you remember when we met last time on Zooberon? I was after the fountain well... shower of youth and you lot thwarted me efforts once again. You lot shouldn't mess wiv us cockneys ya know. I'm an old Victorian geezer not much longa for this world and you took my chance of life away. So boys if I gotta go then so do you" he ended his rant angrily.

Bollo made to charge at the old green man when Jim flung the cell door closed just before the ape got there.

" Not quick enough Donkey Kong" the hitcher jeered locking himself inside the cell with Vince. " See I'm not out of touch with these times"he said to Jim who nodded uncertainly not wating to tell his boss Donkey Kong was over 20 years old.

"Let's start off with geezer bird here" The Hitcher grabbed Vince's hair pulling his head back so his throat was exposed. Resting the blade on it. Vince looked petrified, bound helpless against the cockney knife man.

"So squire, any last words before I cut you up good and proper?"

**How will the Boosh boys get out of this one, will Eleanor get her foursome, will the Hitcher get to cut Vince up? All will be revealed in the thrilling conclusion of Baileys with Mint!**

**Please read and review, your reviews really do make my day. I do have a tradition of giving reviewers cameos in the last chapters of my stories, so see if you make it! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Authors notes: Ok folks this is it the big finale! First of all I want to thank all the reviewers especially Beksta (who's responsible for the introduction of Eleanor into the fic) , Jord-El and Supernae. Also a big welcome to Marinus-pseudothyrum (I'm dyslexic and spelling that name took a while :P) and Thrif. You guys have all really inspired me to keep working at this and for a girl with low confidence to be told that people laughed at the jokes and can't wait for new chapters well that's really been making my day so thanks to you all. The character of Philip was taken from the boosh live tour from last year (I was front row got to high five Naboo!) Anyway without much further dawdling I give you the finale of Baileys with mint! Enjoy! (I hope!)**

Chapter 7 – Philip

Suddenly a huge Squawk resonated around the room. Everyone turned to see what it was. A large black bird flew into the room, its legs seemed to be duct taped to a horizontal wooden pole. The Hitcher put away his knife and cried "Philip! I fowt you were brown bread!" Forgetting for a moment he was an evil cockney villain with his foes in his skinny green clutches he quickly opened the cell door to welcome his pet. The bird flew gracefully to his masters hand. "Just in time for the party too!" He cackled, stroking the birds head briefly. It flew off to watch as the Hitcher got back to business.

"Right where were we? Oh yeah so, any final words boy?" He repeated with a malicious grin.

Vince turned to his friends. Howard hadn't a clue what to do and just stood there in horror. Naboo had something far more useful to do. Speaking with his mind he said _"Vince you can talk to animals, use that gift on the bird."_

The hitcher was fed up of waiting. "Sometime this century squire"

Vince craned his neck best he could to look at Philip and started cawing at him. The large black bird cocked his head from side to side as though listening to what the electro poof was saying. The hitcher began to laugh as he saw what Vince was trying to do. Then again he didn't know of the sunshine boys talent.

"There's no point trying that mate, Philip only answers to me"

As he said this the bird flew up and round the room a few times and headed for the Hitcher. Instead of flying down and balancing on the shoulder as he expected it to, Philip had used flying round the room as momentum and smacked the cockney villain hard round the head with the pole it was attached to. The Hitcher was knocked to the side of the room staggering around.

With a quick nod from Naboo, Bollo charged towards him, swiping Jim out of the way and tackling the Hitcher full force to the ground. The man's head smacked off the floor when they landed and he was out cold.

Jim had just gotten up from being thrown across the room and hearing the commotion, Jackie had managed to squirm out of Eleanor's grasp to join him. Bollo got up and went to get the pair. He grabbed their collars and hoisted them both off the ground. Eleanor came crashing into the room and was begging Naboo and Bollo not to hurt the man she loved. Although she admitted she now didn't know which of the men Bollo had collared it was.

Whilst all this was going on, Howard had snuck over to Vince. After nudging the Hitcher with his foot to check he really was out cold. He went over to Vince and started untying him. "You ok little man?" he asked as Vince tried to get the circulation back in his wrists.

"Yeah" he replied putting on another unfamiliar brave smile. "Just a bit tired. Could do with a sleepy" He tried to get up and almost fell but Howard caught the smaller man. "Thanks" he said to the jazz poet "Not about the catching me but for coming."

"Of course we were coming. We're a team us lot. And us two ying and yang and all that"

Even though he knew Howard didn't like to be touched he put his arms round the genre spanner and hugged him. To his surprise Howard reciprocated, then put him gently back on the chair. They saw Eleanor crying as Naboo asked the men which one had 'met' her. Jackie raised his hand slowly. Naboo put some midnight blue powder into a wooden blowpipe and Jackie looked nervous. "It's to help you forget the trauma" he explained as he blew it in the man's face. Seconds later Bollo cracked the twins heads together and they were out too.

Howard helped Vince up as they made their way out of the place. A ladder seemed to just appear by the box opening and they climbed out, Vince being carried up by Bollo. When they got back to the carpet, Howard found something to eat and drink for Vince whilst Naboo quickly rifled through the books he'd brought and Bollo brought the box to the carpet.

The shaman picked out the spells he wanted and performed the curses on the box to prevent it from being opened again. "Oh and just to make sure" Naboo trailed off as he went into the bag again and brought out a sonic screwdriver.

"Where'd you get that?" asked Howard incredulously.

"I was in a video store in town looking for the new peacock dreams tribute dvd the doctor and Martha went passed with a bow and arrow set and these two people gave them a folder and they ran off and this fell out of his pocket"

"Wait, you saying that the doctor actually exists?" asked Vince amazed.

"Oh yeah" replied Naboo matter of factly."They are really fly on the wall documentaries but the head of BBC said it was easier to market it as a family prime time adventure/fantasy show" The shaman pointed the screwdriver at the box and pressed a button down and the device whirred and the box clicked to signify it had been sealed.

Another sound began to emerge in front if them and a blue police box appeared.

The door flew open and a skinny man in a pinstripe suit and grey converse bounded out followed by a black woman in a burgundy leather jacket and fitted jeans.

"You found my screwdriver brilliant!" The doctor exclaimed with a huge grin. Naboo reluctantly gave the device back to the time lord and he told the group that he'd programmed the sonic frequency into the tardis so if someone found it and pressed the button the tardis would locate the missing gadget.

The time and space travellers thanked them and were about to leave when Vince had an idea. "'ere Doc could you do us a huge favour? Take that box to some planet where it can't do anyone any harm?"

The doctor cast a glance over the box and replied "Yeah, don't see why not" He hauled the wooden box into his even bigger wooden box as Martha and Vince swapped phone numbers. They said their goodbyes and departed.

"Ok that was random" muttered Howard as they all clambered onto the carpet on their way back to the Nabootique.

When the had returned , Howard helped Vince up to bed. Vince was so exhausted from his ordeal he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. Howard pulled off the younger man's boots and pulled the duvet over him.

The jazz maverick then made his way downstairs to hear the commotion Eleanor was creating.

"Will you be quiet Vince is trying to sleep up there" he hissed

"You promised me those men! Now who am I gonna lavish my love squeezins on?"

Everything else she said after that was incomprehensible half wailing half sobbing.

"Hold on we know of a green skinned erm man who's desperate for love don't we Howard" Said Naboo suddenly.

Eleanor dried her eyes "Really? Where is this man?"

"We'll take you to him" Naboo replied.

"Wait, oh no" said Howard waving his arms and backing away "I'm not going back there sir!"

"Fine , you keep an eye on Vince and me and captain Bollo will take Eleanor to Gregg"

The three left again and Howard collapsed onto the sofa. Exhaustion enveloping him now the danger had passed and fell asleep on the sofa.

Once the sub had yet again surfaced in Greggs cave, the merman ran up to the side of the submarine and thumped it yelling"You had better have brought my Howard back!"

Naboo opened the hatch and calmly said "No we haven't brought him back, You've traumatised him enough don't you think? Anyway we've brought someone to meet you" He dropped back down into the sub and Eleanor climbed ungracefully out to greet the merman. "Hellooooooooooo" she said cigarette holder in hand.

"Hi, ya like baileys? Mmm creamy baileys" he asked looking interested in her.

"Sure do sugar pie, and that's a real neat outfit you have on there" She complimented him as she went off after him to get some of the famous creamy alcohol.

Naboo pulled the hatch down and spun the lock. "I think they'll get along just fine" Naboo told Bollo, the ape nodded in agreement.

"Right lets get back, we haven't been stoned for almost 24 hours!"

When they got back to the flat above the Nabootique, all was quiet for once. They found Howard asleep on the sofa and unbeknownst to the jazz maverick , Vince had woken up and dragged his duvet downstairs and curled up with Howard on the sofa, he'd had enough of being on his own the last day or so.

A couple of days later and you could hardly tell Vince had been injured. Not because he had some super healing power but with the clever use of make-up and styling his hair slightly differently to cover the swelling to his head it was as if nothing had happened.

He and Howard had a gig that night and had spent the last 2 days lounging around writing new material. They had managed to coax Naboo and Bollo into joining them on stage.

Later that night they got to the Velvet onion and the music was already blasting. From one of their support acts.

They made their way to the bar and they were stopped by two folk dressed in business suits. "Hi we're Marinus and Thrif the new heads of pie face records" announced Marinus.

"Yeah that's right and we've been coming here a lot recently and you guys are huge. So we want to invite you to the studio , talk about maybe getting you guys signed to our label."added Thrif

"oh genius!" beamed Vince

"Well here's our card give us a ring yeah?" Marinus replied passing him a business card.

The music had stopped and the band were leaving to loud applause as Bob Fossil stood at the top of the stairs and announced " Ok ladies and non-lady people! Give it up for the Jord – El experience! And now to carry on tonight's international flavour all the way from my homeland it's Supernae!"

A girl with a guitar went on stage with the velvet onions back up band and started playing some upbeat rock music and the crowd started dancing.

After listening to the first couple of songs the boosh boys finally got to the dressing room and got ready for their slot.

Howard was tuning up his guitar and Vince was preening himself in a mirror.

Half an hour later and it was their turn on stage.

"Give it up for Supernae!" Bob Fossil yelled. "She's gonna be the next big thing. Don't believe me then check out the midnight edition of cheekbone magazine she's the cover star! Now here's the main event, the guys you've been waiting for! The mighty boosh!"

The boys went on stage to tremendous applause. Vince grabbed the mic.

"Thanks guys, we've got a treat for you cheeky bitches tonight! A one off performance a musical extravaganza based on an adventure we had recently. We've called it: Baileys with Mint!"

**Thanks to everyone who's read this I appreciate it a lot! Hope you all enjoyed it. I tried to add as many cameos as possible.**

**I guess I should add a disclaimer that I don't own doctor who BBC Wales does, hope someone gets the episode reference I made in there!**

**Please read and review cos I love you reviews so much :) **

**I'll be back soon with the second chapter of electro maverick and jazz boy. Until then thanks for reading and good night! **


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